SB LACROIX

There are no happy mediums, not for me. It’s feast or famine, full throttle or slow crawl—it is life in extremes, and it’s the nature of the bats. Bipolar Disorder, Manic Depressive, Mentally Ill—none of these labels evoke anything positive. Nevertheless, these are the labels in which I live under. I prefer far less psychiatric terms like: Crazy, Balmy, or Bats in the Belfry; something that sounds eccentric and bit less clinical.

Being bipolar may allow for eccentricities and even creativity, but the dark side of it is, unfortunately, difficult to say the least. The threat of this disorder is ever present. It looms constantly, offering either an elated feeling of high spirits, or a suffocating feeling of despair. While there are periods of “normalcy” in mood, they are usually transient. While attitude and thoughts can help or hinder the current state, what is often not understood is that such a state is caused by chemical or electrical activity within the brain, therefore; it is a brain disorder. While I can try to remain positive and put on a brave face, the anatomy and functioning of my brain is what it is. When the brain chemistry shifts, or the electrical synapses go awry, there isn’t much one can do except buckle up and go along for the ride.   

I don’t imagine anyone would ever say to an epileptic in the middle of a seizure, “Stop thrashing about like that!” People (in this day and age) understand that such a disorder is far beyond the control of the person suffering from it. Interestingly enough, some medications used to control seizures are also given to patients with bipolar disorder to stabilize mood. I had my suspicions why this was, but I asked my psychiatrist to get a professional confirmation. He explained that what occurs in the brain during a seizure is similar to what occurs in the brain during a mood swing of a person suffering from bipolar disorder.

I nodded as my suspicions were confirmed and said, “So what you’re saying is I have no more control over a mood swing than an epileptic has over a seizure.” 

His response was a prompt nod and a firm, “Right.”

Bipolar disorder affects the mood and behavior of a person. The illness can become like a mask that obscures the true mood of the individual afflicted with the disorder. What moods are caused by the illness, and what moods are within a “normal” range can become seemingly intertwined, and it is difficult to decipher between the two. From my experience, it affects one’s perceptions as well. My perceptions change in different states, and at times it is hard to know what thoughts are influenced by my current mood or state of mind. It also affects energy levels and can leave one feeling physically unwell. 

The disorder runs in my family on my mother’s side and has for generations. I remain uncertain if it is some form of abuse of those who then manifest this dis-ease due to the brain damage sustained from abuse, or if it is indeed some quirky genetic code that produces a brain with an electrical defect. I have lived it since childhood, and I say it’s a bit of both.

Bipolar disorder can be so unpleasant and precarious that professional treatment and medication are usually required. With proper treatment, a loving support system, and a good sense of humor, one can not only survive, but thrive, and find happiness amongst those ominous clouds at the poles.    

There are bats in this belfry, and I’ve embraced them. They are dark and their presence can be problematic, yet they are also quite crafty and sometimes, even brilliant. Chemical cocktails won’t exterminate them; it only leaves them flying about with a lame wing, bumping into the walls of the belfry aimlessly. I have chosen—while under the care of an opened minded and compassionate psychiatrist—to give those little winged nuts a minimal cocktail so they can fly right and be of some use. After all, they’re taking up space in my head, I might as well get something out of them. There are times when they get out of hand and cause some problems, but eventually they simmer down, and I can get back to living my life, even if it is in extremes. 

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S.B. writes through her experience with mental illness. She embraces the blessing within the curse that is mental illness and harnesses that energy to write. She believes in doing so, she transmutes her pain into beauty through the composition of poetry and prose. This decades long alchemical process of transmutation lead to freedom, healing, and awakening.

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